


The Peculiar Ballad of Charles and Sebastian

by davidsbarney



Category: Brideshead Revisited - Waugh
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-12
Updated: 2010-02-12
Packaged: 2017-10-07 04:49:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davidsbarney/pseuds/davidsbarney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How the story might have gone if the boys had said what they meant and shown how they felt.... </p>
            </blockquote>





	The Peculiar Ballad of Charles and Sebastian

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alley_Skywalker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alley_Skywalker/gifts).



> My Sebastian has dark hair as that's how I read him in the book.
> 
>  Also this is AU, mostly because Charles is sympathetic and shows more emotion than a rock and that tended to alter things somewhat, but also I did play with the events a little. They say a lot more to each other here than they would have under Waugh.

Charles knew of Sebastian, of course he did. He hadn't been in Oxford that long but he had seen him, how could he not have done? Lord Sebastian Flyte, possessed of beauty and presence and that certain eccentricity that only rich, handsome young men could get away with. Yes he knew of him, but he'd never met him and had had no reason to think that would change until the night Sebastian was sick through Charles' window followed by the morning he sent flowers as an apology and a note asking if they could meet.

Charles was instantly charmed, Sebastian was like light, like summer, endless summer, bright and warm and full of laughter. He danced around charles like a sunbeam that the other boy could never quite catch. It was charles' awakening and he grasped it with both hands over the days and weeks as they became so much to each other. Always it was Sebastian and Charles knew he was falling in love but he didn't dare speak of it until one night as they lay side by side, quite intoxicated, Charles found himself staring into bright inebriated eyes and he kissed him before he could talk himself out of it.

A warm blush spread over Sebastian's cheeks and then they were kissing properly, hands in each other's hair, lips melded together and sooty eyelashes tightly closed.

Charles could barely breath, he was pressing his friend against the mattress and he could feel Sebastian's reaction, a hardness against his thigh, and God that was because of him! So much, he wanted so much. He wanted them naked, he wanted to be inside Sebastian, he wanted to live and breath him. "Sebastian..." he murmured into the other boy's skin. "I love you. I love you."

"Charles..." Sebastian's voice was pressed. "Charles... God!" and then he pulled away. "No, we mustn't..."

Charles stared at him and then pulled him closer again. "You don't mean that." He pressed kisses over Sebastian's collar bone and started to unfasten his shirt buttons and Sebastian was trembling under him. "stop.... please..."

"You really mean it?" Charles had stopped and was looking at him strangely. "But I thought... you seemed to want..."  
"I do, I.... but we can't."  
"why not?" Charles' mouth was hovering temptingly close to his own and Sebastian swallowed but his eyes betrayed him and Charles kissed him again. "You really want me to stop?"  
"N-no.." gasped Sebastian and Charles reached out gentle hands. "Let me see you." He slid Sebastian's shirt off the pale torso and let his eyes rove over him. "You are so beautiful."

"Charles, please..."

Charles looked up in question and Sebastian closed his eyes. "Please don't unless you really mean it."  
"I do."  
"I don't mean think that I'm pretty, I mean.... I mean, unless you really want me."  
"But I do."  
"Are you sure?" His eyes were deep and serious. "Not just for now?"  
"I love you!"  
"You're not just infatuated?"

Charles stared at him. "What?"

Sebastian was watching him carefully, all traces of alcohol gone as if they had never been. "I can't just walk away Charles, not if we.... it's part of me, but I think you.... I don't think you are the same. I can see you with a wife, with children, that has never been an option for me."

Charles gaped at him. "You mean you are....?"

A solemn nod. "So if you want me to leave, tell me now."  
"I don't."

Sebastian closed his eyes again. For a moment it was as if he was praying and then they snapped open and he stared right at Charles. "Then.... then have me," he said softly, his voice wavering only slightly. "and what will be will be."

Charles watched his friend's deep blue eyes stare back at him and he wondered at how he could suddenly feel so sober. "Have you done it before?"

A shake of the dark head. "That's why... it matters."

Charles sighed in relief. The thought of Sebastian in the arms of another lover had almost eaten him up with jealousy. "Are you scared?"

Sebastian bit his lip but didn't answer and so Charles deftly unfastened his own shirt buttons and let the clothing slip to the floor. He reached out and touched Sebastian's chest with one finger, listened to the intake of breath. "You're shaking." He kissed him softly. "I love you, listen to me, I love you."

Sebastian nodded and then gasped as Charles unfastened his trousers, sliding them down Sebastian's slender hips. "You are beautiful."  
"Don't."  
"Don't what?"  
"Beauty is meaningless," murmured the other boy "and fleeting. Don't love me for my beauty."

Charles stepped out of his own trousers and climbed onto the bed beside his friend. "I'm an artist, I live for beauty."  
"Then in a very little time you will leave me." murmured Sebastian. "After the first flush of youth, and I should go now but I.... can't."

"Sebastian..." Charles buried his face in his lover's hair. "You will always be beautiful." He climbed over him, stared down into that pretty face and watched Sebastian flush and his lips part as he pressed their bodies together, their erections twitching and hard.   
"oh!" gasped Sebastian and his face was radiant. "Oh Charles!"

Charles rubbed against his lover and kissed him desperately and in a very little time they were coming all over each other, messy and free gasping, moaning. Sebastian finally caught his breath. "Will you..?"

Charles nodded, breathless himself and scooped up some of the thick liquid which had gathered on his lover's stomach. Sebastian spread his legs eagerly and soon felt a slender artist's finger pressing against him. He wriggled a little. "Please, God!"

Charles' voice was pressed as he tried to keep control. "Don't want to hurt you." The finger slid as far in as it would go and he slowly added another.   
"Please Charles!"

He was driving charles out of his mind. "You have to wait..."  
"I want to feel you in me."

Charles growled and his cock twitched erratically, hard against his stomach. Maybe Sebastian was prepared enough, he seemed to think so at any rate and Charles mind had turned to mush. He grabbed the slim hips and pushed, felt Sebastian, slippery and tight allow him in with only a little resistance and it was the best thing he'd ever felt, tight, hot, knowing it was Sebastian.... he thrust a little and heard the soft gasps from his lover as if they were coming from far away.

Charles hadn't realised he'd closed his eyes until they opened. Sebastian was panting softly, face flushed, hair mussed, eyes bright, Charles kissed him, deeply, moaning into his hot wet mouth, ploughing into his body, his hands were in the dark hair, fingers roughly knotting at the silky strands, why had no one told him how love felt? How this felt? How could people think it was wrong when it was like a wave carrying him up into the sky and now crashing back down as he felt his climax racing and came deep in his lover's body. "Sebastian!"

When Charles came back to himself there were tears in Sebastian's eyes and he touched them gently with the tips of shaking fingers. "Did I hurt you?"

A shake of the dark head and Charles gathered him in his arms. "Did it feel good? I wish I could describe it, I wish I was a poet rather than an artist."

Sebastian clung to him and more tears came much to Charles' distress. "Sebastian, what is it? You don't regret it?"

Another shake. "It felt like.... heaven."

Charles smiled then, content and they drifted off to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms, tears dotting Sebastian's fair cheeks and their bodies still streaked with the seed of their love.

***

When Charles awoke, Sebastian was standing by the window, staring out into the Oxford scene but not seeming to see it. He had dressed and the emotion of the evening had dissipated into the air like smoke. He looked perfectly composed.   
"Sebastian?"

Charles was still naked, wrapped only in his sheets. He wanted to ask the other boy if he was alright but something held him back. Instead he wiped the traces of their lovemaking away and dressed too before walking over to the window and laying a tentative hand on his lover's shoulder. Sebastian turned round to face him. "Shall we go for a picnic?"

Charles blinked once or twice but then he nodded. It was going to be a beautiful day.   
"I must get Aloysius" murmured Sebastian. "He would never forgive me if we went without him."  
"We'll drive by your rooms."

Sebastian nodded. "Yes, and we can pick up wine and strawberries from there too."

Charles picked up a pad and his pencils and tucked them into his pocket, wondering what Sebastian was really thinking but being content to wait for the right moment to ask him.

They picked up the food and wine and Sebastian's teddy bear and had a pleasant drive into the countryside, stopping under some shady elm trees and setting their goods out on the soft summer grass. Charles sketched a mound of rocks and Sebastian watched him, his soft lips curved into a smile as he sipped at his wine thoughtfully. He held out a strawberry and Charles opened his mouth against the moist fruit, allowing his lover to feed him. He chewed and pondered.   
"I thought you might have regrets." He finally uttered the careful words. "After last night."

Sebastian watched him with bright eyes.   
"You were crying."  
"Crying for my innocence Charles." Sebastian smiled at him. "Now gone and never to be returned."   
"But you liked it?"  
"Yes."  
"And you wanted it?"  
"Yes."  
"And you're glad it was me?"  
"I am." Sebastian offered another strawberry and then kissed the taste off Charles' lips. "Whatever happens, I'm glad it was you."  
"Why do you say that?" Charles frowned. "You talk as if there was some huge cloud hanging over us."  
"Maybe there is."

Charles huffed and went back to his rocks and Sebastian his wine. "There's someone I want you to meet."  
"Oh?"  
"Nanny. It's not far from here, where my family live."

Charles looked interested at that. "The Flyte family mansion?"  
"Something like that." said Sebastian, dryly. "But hopefully none of them will be around apart from Nanny."

"You don't get on with your family?"

Sebstian smiled at the clouds. "They are very charming. Too charming. They will charm you away from me if given half the chance and I embarrass them. The only one who I would like you to meet is Cordelia, my little sister. She is too young to be dangerous."

Charles laughed at him. "Nothing could charm me away from your side, you talk nonsense." He popped a strawberry in Sebastian's mouth to shut him up and when it had gone he kissed him, deeply, lovingly, pressing him into the grass. When Charles pulled away they were both breathing heavily.   
"Charles..." Sebastian groaned and his voice went straight to Charles' groin. Charles slid on his knees until he was straddling him and then unfastened his trousers and lifted out his erection which was hard and silken in his hand, warm and pulsing. "Oh God" Sebastian moaned and then his eyes widened as he watched him poke out his tongue and lick it tentatively. "Charles!"

Charles contemplated the taste and then he covered the whole thing with his mouth, trying not to choke as he pushed down and Sebastian shuddered beneath him. "Charles!"  
"Sebastian..." Charles breathed it into his cock though he couldn't hear the word, muffled as it was. He wanted to do this, to serve him, on his hands and knees. The night before Sebastian had given himself to Charles and he wanted to do something for him in return, show him how he was worshipped. He lifted his hand to the soft warm sack and touched it with careful fingers, feeling Sebastian shiver right through his body. "Sebastian..."

"Oh God, I'm going to-" His words were stolen as he gasped and Charles felt warm wetness on his tongue, followed by a bitter aftertaste. He swallowed on reflex and found himself staring down into hazy blue.  
"God, I'm sorry, I..." Sebastian was blushing dreadfully. "I thought there'd be more warning..."  
"it's fine. I liked it."   
"Really?"

Charles nodded. "But maybe only because it was you."

Sebastian smiled at him. "Do you want...?"

Charles shook his head. "That was just for you. for last night."  
"You didn't have to-"  
"I know." Charles popped a strawberry between his teeth and then offered half to Sebastian who took it with a kiss.   
"I wanted to."  
"Alright." Sebastian chewed his half of the strawberry thoughtfully. "Then thank you. shall we depart?"  
"what does Aloysius say?"

Sebastian looked at his teddy bear who had had his back to the proceedings. "He says he wishes to see nanny."  
"Then let us depart," smiled Charles, gazing behind him one last time at the picnic place as if to keep it fresh in his memory for ever. "I am eager to see where your family live, Sebastian for I think it must be very beautiful."

***

It was beautiful, at least to Charles.   
"I must draw it sometime" he murmured as they crossed the grounds by the spectacular fountain. "You are so lucky."  
"If you say so."  
"But it's magnificent!"  
"It's dead." said Sebastian without emotion. "it's just architecture."

Charles didn't reply to that, there had been something final in Sebastian's words. "Is that a church?" He asked instead, seeing a small stone building, carved with scenes that appeared to be of a religious nature. Sebastian nodded. "My father had it built for my mother as a wedding present."

They saw Sebastian's nanny and were told Sebastian's older sister was in residence. Charles watched his friend grimace and clasped his hand behind Sebastian's back. "we can go if you like."

A grateful smile and the boys set off back towards the car. "Why did you want me to meet your nanny, Sebastian?" asked Charles, as they walked. "Don't you think she could charm me as well as any of you?"

Sebastian stopped walking and turned to him. "I wanted you to meet her because I love her." He said no more and Charles had a pleased smile all the way back to the car. They had just got in when another car drew up "Sebastian!"

Sebastian frowned. "Bugger. Julia."

Charles knew he shouldn't look interested, but he was curious about this girl his lover didn't want him to see and eagerly he turned his head to the young woman climbing out of her vehicle. His eyes widened. She looked so like Sebastian. The same colour hair and eyes, the same beautiful face.....  
"Sebastian, you can't be going yet, stay and have some tea, introduce me to your friend."

"Sorry Julia, we have to be back at Oxford, no time."

Charles knew he was staring and Sebastian frowned slightly. "Julia, Charles Ryder, Charles, my oldest sister. Now we really have to go."

She looked disappointed. "You will bring him back some time though?" She beamed at Charles and Charles smiled back. Sebastian frowned even more. "I'm sure I will" and with that he drove out of the drive.

It was silent on the way back and Charles began to think he'd made a grave error though he wasn't quite sure how.   
"You look so alike" he ventured finally. Sebastian's mouth tightened. "We aren't."  
"She is very beautiful."

Silence greeted this remark and charles could have bitten his tongue. "Not as beautiful as you though."

"I told you, beauty means nothing," said Sebastian, his voice empty. "I shouldn't have taken you there and now I'll be cross for the rest of the day."

Charles touched Sebastian's hand softly. "I'll take your mind off it once we get back to Oxford."

And finally a small smile. "Really?"  
"Oh yes."

Sebastian didn't say anything else but his crossness seemed to have dissipated as quickly as it had formed.

***

Charles was in London with his father when he got the telegram saying Sebastian had had an accident and would Charles come to Brideshead and stay for a while over the holidays? Of course, Charles was there as soon as he could be, anxious and worried. Julia picked him up from the station. "He's quite alright, just a broken bone in his foot, of course he's making out like he's on death's doorstep." She laughed and Charles sighed in relief and took the rest of the drive to study Sebastian's sister. She was as beautiful as he had thought, but that was as far as it went, he didn't actually like her and yet he wasn't sure why although she did seem rather superficial. He didn't speak much, he was pretty sure she had decided he was a bore but neither did that bother him for they had arrived and wheeling out to meet them was his lover.   
"Charles!"

Charles grinned and jumped out of the car.  
"I missed you so much, it's been boring as anything here. How was london?"

Charles grabbed the wheelchair handles and after thanking Julia for the ride, wheeled Sebastian off to where they could have a little privacy.

Julia had quickly gone to visit friends and it seemed Sebastian's mother was away along with his brother and other sister. "We're alone, except for Nanny." Sebastian seemed to glow at the statement. "We can do anything we want."  
"Anything?"

A mischievous nod and Charles kissed him. "I want to do this."  
"I have no objections" murmured Sebastian, softly and Charles helped him out of the chair and onto the grass, kissing him breathless the whole time.   
"Want to feel you."  
"Charles...."  
"Sebastian...." They struggled with their clothes. "I was worried, you ought not to have worried me like that" Chided charles gently. "I thought something terrible had happened."  
"Sorry"   
"No you're not."

Sebastian smiled. "I was lonely."  
"you could have just said."  
"Wasn't sure you'd.... come" He gasped as he felt Charles' hand on his bare skin. Charles kissed him again. "I'll always come."  
"Promise?"

Deep blue eyes stared into Charles' brown and the soft hand tightened against his chest.   
"Of course" murmured Charles, nuzzling Sebastian's ear gently, kissing his neck, his mouth. "Of course."

***

Those days were endless bliss to Sebastian and Charles. There was no one else there, they had the whole of Brideshead to themselves and they made the most of it, drinking the finest wines, lying in the hot sun, making love in Charles' bed, in the grounds, by the fountain. "I love you" murmured Charles against Sebastian's ear. "I love this place, I wish this summer would never end."

But of course, all things come to an end.

"Sebastian, I'm back!" Julia swept into the room all long skirts and painted lips. "Oh hello Charles."

Charles nodded to her, feeling as he did so that something had ended he could never quite recapture. Sebastian frowned. "I thought you were staying away all holiday?" Aloysius was frowning too and Sebastian gave him a squeeze.

"I was. change of plan and Bridey's coming back today. Mother too. Cordelia tomorrow."

Sebastian's face had darkened even more. "Well Charles and I are going to london until the start of term."

Charles sent him a look of confusion but Sebastian ignored it. Julia shrugged. "Fair enough. your foot's better then?"  
"Yes." Sebastian snapped and he and Aloysius stomped out of the room leaving Charles to follow, feeling rather awkward. He found Sebastian in his bedroom. "We're going to London?"

Sebastian sighed. "Believe me, it's better than the alternative."  
"Meeting your family?"  
"Yes." Sebastian was throwing things in his case. "I don't want you to meet them, Charles. Everything will be messed up."  
"You still think they'll charm me away from you?"  
Sebastian nodded miserably and Charles sighed. "What can I do to prove you're all I think about?"  
"You don't know mummy."  
"I'm hardly going to fall in love with your mother Sebastian."

Another sigh. "No, not like that, I can't explain. She's...." He sat down on the bed. "She's so... GOOD. My father left her, left us because he couldn't bear it. He lives in Venice with his mistress. Mummy's insufferable."

Charles tried hard to understand. "Then we'll go to london."  
"Thank you." Sebastian looked incredibly grateful and Charles leaned forward to kiss him. after a moment of uncertainty, Sebastian kissed him back. "Sorry, it's just...." He looked round his childhood room and sighed.

"I understand."   
Another grateful look. "We should get ready for their return. Bridey's alright at least, and Cordelia but she's not back till tomorrow."  
"Your older brother?"   
"Yes, he's a bit pompous, but he's ok, maybe it comes from being called Brideshead." He grinned and felt better. "We'll leave tomorrow, I suppose I can suffer one evening."

"I'll leave you to get dressed then."  
"I'll come for you when I'm done." Another soft kiss.   
"I'm glad you're here, Charles." Charles smiled and nodded.

***

Sebastian knocked softly and Charles opened the door. "Well I'm dressed, care to undo all my hard work?"

Sebastian blushed but made no move towards Charles. "We should go down and wait for them." He seemed a little unsteady and Charles raised his eyebrow. "Have you been drinking?" An even brighter blush and Sebastian shrugged a little.   
"Well you might have saved me some."   
"There'll be plenty downstairs."

"Come here." Sebastian went and Charles kissed his lips, tasting the whiskey along with Sebastian. "God, I want you."  
"No time" murmured Sebastian, his face flushed. "We have to-" Charles stopped the words with his mouth, his hands already busy with Sebastian's trousers. There was a mumble but Charles took no notice, his hand already grasping his lover's erection.   
"Charles!" gasped Sebastian, sinking back against the bed as soon as Charles' mouth left his. "We have to-" He gasped again and pressed his face against Charles' shoulder, his body shuddering as Charles hand tugged and pulled at his cock.

"Charles?"

there was a soft knock at the door and Sebastian's eyes widened but it was too late, he was coming, all over his lover's hand and Julia was just standing there staring at them both as if she'd never seen either of them in her life. "Sebastian!"

Sebastian stared back at his sister, cheeks ashen.

"How could you?" She murmured. "My God, how could you?"

Charles was as red as Sebastian was pale. He pulled his hand away from his lover and wiped it on his sheets and then he turned and stared defiantly at the girl but she was still staring at her brother. "I should tell mummy."

"We'll be gone tomorrow." Sebastian had found his voice even if it was somewhat shaky.   
"Charles should go, you should stay here."  
"No."  
"You can't mean to carry this on?"

Sebastian's lips were pressed together tightly and Julia turned to Charles, her eyes accusing. "How could you do this to him?"  
"I haven't done anything to him" was Charles cool reply. "Did you want something, when you barged into my room?"

Julia stared at him. "I came to tell you mummy's home."  
"Well now you have, maybe you could give us a moment and we'll be down as soon as we're ready."

She was still staring at him but she didn't know what to say. "How can you be so calm about this?" She finally managed. "You've ruined my brother!"  
"Could you get out please?" Asked charles, his voice cold as ice. Sebastian was just staring at the floor. Julia turned to him. "I will tell mummy."  
"OUT!" Said charles, firmly and finally she went with a bang of the door.

Charles turned to face his lover. "Sebastian, are you alright?"

No answer and Charles sat on the bed and lifted his face gently. "It's fine, we're going to london tomorrow, I doubt she'll say anything anyway." Dulled eyes stared back at him. "Sebastian?"  
"I shouldn't have."  
"Why not?"  
"You don't understand."  
"No I don't" replied Charles softly. "I'm not ashamed."

Sebastian paled even more. "It's not about shame. God. She'll take you away from me."  
"I won't let her."  
"Promise? Promise Charles?" He stared at Charles with beseeching eyes. "Promise?"  
"I promise."

Sebastian smiled slightly then, a soft warmth curling up the tips of his mouth. "Maybe it will be alright."  
"It will be. I'm sure Julia won't say anything."  
"Maybe she won't."  
"Are you ready to come down?" Sebastian nodded, having tucked himself back into his trousers as soon as Julia had entered the room. "I think we have to get drunk tonight."  
"I think you're right," murmured Charles softly and he led his lover down the stairs to where Lady Marchmain waited, a disapproving Julia in tow.

***

"She didn't tell your mother."

Sebastian giggled and knocked back some more alcohol. "I wish we were in London."  
"Tomorrow."  
"You could stay tonight..."  
"I don't think so" murmured Charles softly, "and if you were sober, neither would you."

"I think Julia fancies you."

Charles' eyes widened. "Highly unlikely after everything. God we're drunk."  
"No, I think... I think she was disappointed."  
"That's nonsense and even if she were I wouldn't care."  
"Because you're mine?"  
"Because I'm yours." He smiled at his lover. "Get some sleep." A soft kiss and he handed Aloysius to the other boy and stepped out of the room.

"Charles?" Charles' head snapped up and he found himself looking into Julia's beautiful face.   
"You didn't tell your mother."  
"No." Julia frowned. "I thought... Well, I mean, it's not serious is it? For you?"  
"I really don't want to talk about this."

Julia pursed her lips. "You don't love him though, I mean, you can't."

Charles regarded her cooly. "It's really nothing to do with you."  
"He's my brother."  
"Yes."

Julia reddened. "Sebastian's not like other people. He lives in a fantasy world. You shouldn't play with him, you'll make him quite cross and out of temper and Sebastian can be a beast when he's upset." She was standing very close to him, her soft breath against his cheek.

Charles watched her warily, the drink in his system dulling his reflexes slightly. "What.... game are you playing?"  
"No game."  
"You don't want me."  
"How do you know what I want?"  
"Then I don't want you."  
"Are you sure?"

Charles took a breath and laid his head against sebastian's door. He closed his eyes. "You would do that to your own brother?"  
"It would be better than what YOU were doing."

Charles glared at her fuzzily.

"I don't believe you love him."  
"I don't care what you believe. If you don't mind, I was on my way to bed. Goodnight." and finally she left.

Charles watched Julia round the corner and without thinking anymore, he opened Sebastian's door and reentered the room.   
"Charles?" Asked a soft voice in the gloom and Charles crossed to the bed. "I changed my mind." He pulled off his clothes, felt the cover lift and slid in the warm cocoon next to something warm and furry. Oh, Aloysius. He smiled in the dark and lifted the bear to the other side so he could reach his lover. "I missed you."

Sebastian sighed gently and Charles took him in his arms.   
"I have this terribly ominous feeling" murmured Sebastian. "I can't seem to shake it. I feel like I'm going to lose you."

Charles' fingers grazed Sebastian's neck softly. "You won't."  
"I don't know."   
"You won't" Charles whispered again. "I'm not going anywhere."  
"I don't know what I'd do without you" continued Sebastian, as if he hadn't heard. "I just don't know. Do you think the human spirit can go on if it feels absolutely dead?"

Charles knew he was drunk but his words chilled him. "Sebastian, don't. I'm not going anywhere. see?" He kissed his lover softly.   
"It's just this house, this place."  
"Well we're leaving tomorrow." Charles' arms tightened around him. "Everything will be fine when we get to london."  
"Yes."   
"Get some sleep" murmured Charles, his fingers running through Sebastian's dark hair. He pressed Aloysius into the boy's arms on the other side and himself tight against his lover.   
"Yes" murmured Sebastian again and then all was quiet.

***

In London Sebastian was his usual bright self and Charles began to relax again. Even Charles' father was enraptured by the boy. "I like him very much, invite him often." Charles' wondered if it was possible to escape Sebastian's spell. They drank, they kissed, they laughed and talked, soaking up each other's presence and loving every minute.   
"I wish I never had to go back."

Charles stroked his lover's arm. "I don't really understand, your family seem nice enough."  
"I know" murmured Sebastian, mournfully. Tthat's the problem."  
"if you say so."

Sebastian smiled at him. "What did you think of Julia?"

That awkward conversation flitted back to Charles and he grimaced slightly. "I don't think anything of her, I only think of you."

An even bigger smile. "I wonder why she didn't tell Mummy though. Oh well, we live to breathe another day."  
"Sebastian, what do you think your mother could possibly do even if she did know?" Asked Charles with some heat. "Do you think I would just give you up?"

"She would pray for me."   
"So what?"  
"She would make me pray too." He turned away. "It's so dreadfully hard being a Catholic. I don't like them much you know, I wish it didn't make so much sense then I could just ignore it."

"Make sense?" Asked Charles in amazement. "It doesn't make the slightest bit of sense, it's all nonsense!"

"Sometimes it seems to be the only thing that makes sense" murmured Sebastian. "But I could get on well enough if it wasn't for Mummy." He seemed to droop suddenly and Charles put his arms round him and was disconcerted to find he felt a little thinner than he remembered. "Let's get some food" he said softly and then Sebastian smiled his beautiful smile and all was right with the world once more.

***

After London they returned to Oxford and things seemed to go on as before only Sebastian was simply less happy. For much of the time Aloysius was abandoned on his shelf and Sebastian didn't mention him. He was more thoughtful and quiet and spent long minutes staring off into space, he was also drinking more, Charles noted, though that wouldn't have bothered him if his lover had not looked so morose while doing it.

"Sebastian" said Charles one day. "Let's go to the Botanic Garden."

Sebastian looked at him but then he smiled and nodded and when he said he would get Aloysius, Charles almost sighed with relief. They walked, arm in arm through the beautiful grounds and finally sat under a shady tree, the teddy bear next to them. Charles pulled Sebastian into his arms. "Won't you tell me what is hurting you?" he asked him gently. "Won't you tell me sebastian?"  
"I don't know" answered the other boy. "I don't know what it is, I feel so old, I just feel so old."

"Is it your mother?"  
"I think so, and me, and.... I'm so wrong Charles, I don't know why it matters so much now when it never did then but it does."  
"How can you be wrong?" Charles pressed his hand tenderly.   
"Inside. I'm so mixed up, I'm all twisted you know."  
"No, I don't know Sebastian, tell me."  
"I'm twisting you too."  
"You mean this?" Charles gestured between them. "This is wrong?"

Sebastian sighed softly. "I told you I could see you married with children. I still can."  
"I can't."  
"Because of me."  
"Maybe." returned Charles, thoughtfully, "But maybe not. "I just don't think I would make a good father."

"I feel...." Sebastian broke off. "Maybe it's Julia knowing, maybe that's it. It feels different, don't you think?"  
"No."   
"Well what if it was your father instead?"

Charles' eyes widened at the thought. "I have no idea but as long as she doesn't tell your mother there's little she can do." He wondered if he should tell Sebastian about his sister's proposition but decided nothing good could come of it. "Can't we be happy together again?" He asked instead. "What can I do? I'd do anything."

"Dear Charles" Sebastian smiled. "I'm sorry I'm being so boring. I will try and do better. I don't know what's wrong with me." He sighed softly. "Maybe a visit to my father would help, would you come?"  
"To Vnice?" Charles gasped. "Of course."

***

And so they went. Sebastian seemed to brighten as soon as they arrived in the beautiful city and even more when he met up with his father. Lord Marchmain was a handsome man, Charles liked him immediately and wondered if that was simply because he was nothing like his own father. Cara, his mistress was a more difficult puzzle but that was because she asked so many questions and believed she knew too many answers.

"You are very fond of Sebastian I think" she began, while he and his father were away playing tennis one afternoon.   
"Of course" replied Charles, a little puzzled that it could ever be questioned. She nodded.   
"These romantic friendships of the English and Germans, I think they are a good thing, as long as they don't go on too long."

That stopped Charles in his tracks. "Too long?" He echoed, "what can you mean?"  
"I mean only that it is a first love, that it must make way for another in time."

Charles blushed hotly. "You don't think it can be real then?"  
"Oh yes, it is real, but it is a part of growing up and so is shedding it. This was Alex's mistake, he had this type of love for his wife and he married her on it but it is not meant to last."  
"I find I can't agree." murmured Charles softly. She sighed. "Sebastian is in love with his childhood, that will make him very unhappy."

"I think he just wants to be left alone" said Charles, frankly. "He had a happy childhood but now his family find fault with him all the time, I think that is what is making him unhappy."  
"Perhaps." She watched Charles for a few seconds. "He drinks too much."  
"We both do."  
"But with you it is different. He drinks to forget."  
"I know. We are working on it, he's not alone Cara, and he has improved since he's been here. He is much happier with his father than with Lady Marchmain."  
"And is he happy with you? Maybe it means more to him, this relationship, you must tread carefully, Mr Ryder."

"If you are suggesting I don't love him, you're very wrong and just because his parents made a mistake staying together doesn't say the same is true of us."

Cara sighed. "Well you must do as you do, really it is none of my business, I must speak as I think and you may take my advice or not as you like but I think there is much heartache ahead of you both, I think so."

Charles stared out to sea for a few moments. "I must ask you not to speak of this to Sebastian."  
"I respect your request." She inclined her head. "Shall we go and meet them?"

They walked down to the sea front where Sebastian was kicking his way through the sand and Lord Marchmain was sitting at a table drinking coffee. Cara joined her lover and watched Charles make his way down to Sebastian with a slightly troubled countenance. The dark haired boy's eyes lit up on seeing his lover and they stood watching the ocean, arms around each other for a long time.   
"I love you Sebastian" whispered Charles. "That will never change, it will never change, God, I hope you know that." He suddenly felt close to tears and then Sebastian turned to him with a warm smile and whispered "I know."

***

After Venice, Charles accompanied Sebastian back to Brideshead and watched his lover sink into depression aided by even more drink and his mother's watchful eye. He found Sebastian slipping off to the church more often and he was desperate to help but he didn't know how.   
"What do you do in there?" He asked one day while they were bathing their feet in the fountain. "You go so often now."  
"Try to repent" said Sebastian softly. "But I've never been very good at it."  
"Repent what?"  
"You wouldn't understand." His eyes were sad, he looked lost like a little boy who can't find his way home and to save asking more questions Charles kissed him but even as he did it, he could feel Sebastian's cloud hanging over them.

By tea time Sebastian was drunk. "Go to bed, I'll say you have a cold" murmured Charles into his ear. "I'll join you after dinner." There were tears in Sebastian's eyes but he nodded. "I'm sorry."   
"I know."   
"I wish I..."  
"I know." Charles handed him Aloysius. "Cuddle him until I come back."  
"do you still love me, Charles?"  
"Of course, always."  
A sad smile and a nod and Charles left him, his heart almost breaking in his chest.

Dinner was a solemn affair and Charles hardly spoke except to say that Sebastian had a cold and had retired to bed.

Lady Marchmain accepted the excuse quite readily and asked about Venice. "Was he happy there? I can't understand it but he isn't here."  
It's you, Charles wanted to say. you and sin and that blasted church. Instead he nodded.   
"Was he drinking?"  
"No more than usual."  
"I can't understand it" she said again. "But then he was always very close to his father. I wish I knew how to help him but I think only you can do that now."

Charles was quiet for the rest of the meal and when Lady Marchmain retired to the church, he was left alone with Julia. They eyed each other warily.  
"Has he really got a cold or is he drunk again? Really, it's getting very tiresome. What is the matter with him?"

"I'm glad to see your brother's well being is top of your list of priorities" answered Charles, scornfully.

Julia reddened. "What reasons are there to explain his behaviour? He has everything he could possibly want, even you."

Now Charles blushed and Julia mused. "Maybe that's it."  
"What?"  
"You. doing what he does, with you."

Charles stared at her. "Do you think I force him?"  
"No, but he's Catholic. Sort of."   
"So what?" Charles asked rather angrily. "What's that got to do with it?"  
"It's forbidden."

Charles got up and walked over to one of the windows and stared out over Brideshead. "He doesn't care about that. Drinking is forbidden, everything we do is forbidden." She followed him and put a hand on his arm. "Charles" he turned and found himself looking at her pretty face, so like Sebastian, the same eyes, the same mouth, the same everything. He didn't know how he felt about her. One minute she seemed so cold and stiff, another caring and sweet and then she kissed him and he pushed her away but not before the door had opened showing Sebastian in his red pajamas, his face pale.

Sebastian's huge eyes stared into Charles' for what seemed like eternity and then the boy turned and walked away, the door banging gently as he let go of it.

"Oh god, Sebastian!" Whispered Charles, staring after him. He turned to the silent girl. "What the hell? Why did you do that? Do you want to break your brother's heart?" And then he had gone.

"Sebastian!" Charles tore after his lover, bursting into his bedroom and finding him standing with a bottle of whiskey, his hands shaking.   
"Go away."  
"No, listen to me."  
"I said go away!"  
"Sebastian," Charles tried to grab the bottle. "She kissed me, I swear it."  
"I don't care." He pulled the bottle back and tipped some down his throat. "I don't care." He said again, more shakily this time. Charles was frantic. "You know I love you, how can you think I'd hurt you like that? I don't care about Julia, I told you that, why won't you believe me?"

Sebastian hiccuped sadly. "You were kissing."  
"She kissed me."  
"I don't care." He was so drunk, there was no getting through to him. "Why do you betray me, Charles?" he sobbed. "Why can't you be on my side?"  
"Sebastian, please..." Charles was almost crying himself now. "I'm on your side, I've always been on your side. Please come to bed you'll feel better in the morning. It's just a misunderstanding."

"I knew this would happen" continued the distraught boy. "If I brought you here. I should never have brought you here. You were my friend and I've ruined you. It's because you're not twisted inside like me."

"If you mean I don't love you then you couldn't be more wrong" whispered Charles. "Come here and I'll show you love."  
"It's wrong."  
"No it's not." Charles reached out and brushed a wet cheek. "You're all I care about, how can we be wrong?"  
I don't know" murmured Sebastian, quieter now. "I feel mixed up inside."  
"Then let me unmix you."  
"I don't think you can."  
"Let me try?"

Sebastian stared into Charles' eyes for a few seconds. "You kissed Julia."

Charles wrapped his arms round his lover and pressed him down on the bed, kissing him in between words. "She kissed me, I don't want anyone but you." He unbuttoned Sebastian's top and kissed his way down the slim chest and then he slid the pajama pants down his lover's thighs. "No one but you."

Charles stopped to remove his own clothes and then pressed their naked bodies together making Sebastian gasp at the contact.   
"I'm going to show you what you mean to me." whispered Charles, kissing him all over. "How much I want you, only you."   
"Charles" gasped Sebastian and Charles kissed his neck, his lips, his nipples and stomach and then his cock, nipping at it gently and then licking, sucking. Sebastian was boneless in his arms as Charles prepared him and then as he slid inside him, whispering his name gently like a prayer. "Sebastian...."  
"Charles" murmured Sebastian and the tears dripped down his cheeks even as he smiled.

***

Charles awoke to find Sebastian watching him, his face shuttered but fresh looking as if the whole drinking episode had been nothing more than a nightmare.   
"I told you Julia fancied you."

Charles sighed. "I don't know. I don't know what happened, what she was thinking."

"But you do think she's beautiful, you told me."

Why had he said that? thought Charles, why on earth had he told Sebastian that? "she is beautiful in that she looks almost exactly like you." He reached out and touched his lover's cheek. "And anything I see in her, I saw in you first."  
"Except she's a woman."  
"I don't care about that, it makes no difference to me."  
"I wish it made no difference to me."

Charles kissed him. "Don't let's think about Julia, at least not now."

Sebastian sighed beautifully as Charles moved his lips along his neck. "As long as you still love me, I can manage any of it."   
"I'll help you, we'll get through it together."  
"Thank you." murmured Sebastian fervently. "I don't want to drink all the time, but it makes things so much easier. Sometimes I feel like I'm forced into my skin and it's suffocating me, I hate that Charles, I need to feel free."  
Charles kissed him again. "Do you want to come down for breakfast?"

A shake of the dark head. "I'm supposed to be ill. You go, I'll have it here."

Charles nodded. "You won't drink, right? I don't want you to do it alone, wait for me and we'll do it together like we used to."  
"Alright." murmured the other boy. "me and you contra mundum Charles."  
"Always."

After breakfast Julia was waiting for him.   
"Charles..." She bit her lip. "How is he?"  
"Fine," he snapped. "No thanks to you."

Julia looked disturbed. "I didn't mean for it to happen like that, you must know that?"

"So what did you mean?" Asked the boy, turning to face her. "What on earth did you mean by kissing me?"  
"I don't know. It just happened, you were right there and it just happened."

Charles turned away but she grabbed his sleeve. "I didn't mean for him to see."  
"No, I expect you didn't."

Julia swallowed. "Did you sleep with him, after?"

After I kissed you..... and if you did, were you thinking of him.... or me?

"That's nothing to do with you. If you must know he wouldn't speak to me for ages, he told me to leave, he drank even more whiskey, you nearly broke him, but yes, finally he let me touch him."

"But I didn't mean to!" Cried Julia. "Even though I know what you're doing is wrong, I don't want to hurt anyone!"  
"Then leave us alone."  
"But charles, it IS wrong. Nothing good can come of it. He will only drink more and more, he can't cope with a relationship like this, he's Catholic. why can't you just be friends?"

Charles watched her pace for a few seconds. "Why do you even care? You've never shown concern for Sebastian, you only talk about his drinking as boring you."

"We've never been close" admitted julia "but he's still my brother and I think you are only doing each other harm and I don't understand how you can even do what you are doing when you are both men! It goes against every natural law."

"I don't care what you think" ground charles. "I don't care about your religion or your views or anything but Sebastian's happiness."  
"but he will never be happy with you, Charles. You have to face it!"

Charles turned on his heel and left the room.

***

Sebastian was waiting for him, the whiskey untouched as promised. "How was everything?"  
"Fine." Charles sat down next to his lover and poured them both a double. "Cheers"   
"Cheers" murmured Sebastian. he took a sip. "Everything seems to make sense with you and then it all falls apart when you go." He took another sip. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Who I am."  
"You're Sebastian," said Charles softly.   
"But what does that mean?"  
"Anything you want it to mean."  
"I wish I was good at something." Another sip. "Maybe if I could draw like you it would be different."  
"I could teach you."

Sebastian smiled at his lover. "I don't think so. It doesn't interest me but thanks." He sighed. "God Charles, I wish I had someone to look after."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I don't know. I just feel like if there was someone.... someone who needed me...." He broke off. "I don't know."

Charles watched Sebastian finish his drink. "I need you."  
"No you don't. Not like I mean. If I suddenly disappeared you'd do well enough." He sounded rather bitter. "Maybe you'd marry Julia."

Charles' eyes widened. "You're still angry about last night?"

"No." Sebastian sighed and smiled sadly. "No, I'm not angry, I know what happened, I shouldn't have said that, sorry."

Tentatively charles put his arms round him. "She means nothing, less than nothing to me."  
"I know. Did you see her at breakfast?" Sebastian laid his head against Charles' shoulder and the other boy ran his fingers through sebastian's soft dark hair. "Yes."

"Did she ask about me?"

Charles closed his eyes and breathed in his lover. "Yes. She thinks I'm making you unhappy."  
"Really."

Charles nodded.   
"And why's that?"  
"Oh I don't know" murmured Charles. "Because you're Catholic mostly, and because she doesn't understand how men can love each other, I don't really care what she thinks about it."

Sebastian stared out of the window for a few seconds. "I don't know why she cares at all. We've never been close, but she can be sweet. It's odd with Julia, one minute she seems to have as much substance as a bubble and the next.... well." He shrugged. "I wonder why she kissed you. It would be awkward if she was in love, don't you think?"  
"Julia's not in love with me."   
"Perhaps not." He sighed again. "I wish we could go away, far away from here, just us Charles, and Aloysius of course, somewhere hot, somewhere beautiful and you could paint and I could....."

"You're bored aren't you?"  
"I think I am. I need someone to save."

Charles kissed him softly. "I wish I knew what to do to help."

He poured them another double each.

"Maybe you could save me, Charles. save me from myself." They stared at each other and then Sebastian burst out laughing. "God, I'm morose today aren't I?"

Charles frowned but didn't answer and Sebastian stood up. "Why don't you try drawing the fountain? I'll watch you, I like doing that, and you said you wanted to give it a go."  
"Alright" said Charles, slowly. "If you're sure it won't bore you."  
"I'll be your critic." That brought a smile to Charles' face. "As long as you aren't too harsh."  
"I'll sooth your hurt feelings with kisses."

Charles laughed and the two boys went outside, arm in arm.

***

"Mr Ryder, I would like to speak to you please, if you can spare me a few moments of your time."

Charles looked up to find Sebastian's mother smiling sweetly at him and he cast a glance after his lover who had just disappeared round the corner and then back at her.   
"Of course Lady Marchmain."

He found himself ushered into her sitting room. "Please sit down. "I know Sebastian loves you and so I quite regard you as one of us."

Charles' heart had almost stopped at those words until he followed through on the rest of the sentence and it's meaning. He watched her carefully.   
"I'm worried about him, he's drinking too much and he's not at all happy, I wonder if you can tell me why."

Charles wondered what to say. His loyalty was to Sebastian and yet was it unreasonable for his mother to want to understand her son? "I don't fully understand myself" he finally volunteered. "I don't think Sebastian does either."

"Oh dear," murmured the lady. "This isn't at all what I had expected from him. I grew up with three wonderful men you see, Charles, may I call you Charles?"

Charles nodded and she continued. "My brothers. All lost in the Great War. Ned was the best and the last of them and when he died Sebastian had just started at Eton and I thought..." She sighed. "I don't know what to do. This drinking... his father was the same and then he ran away. He was ashamed of being unhappy you see, just like Sebastian. I think we must limit his alcohol intake."

Charles frowned. "Lady Marchmain, I don't think that will work, he needs to feel free not caged. when we drink together he's fine, I can keep him to a reasonable amount I'm sure."

she smiled sadly at him. "I know you mean well Charles, I think it's too late for that but there is another small matter I feel we must discuss and that is Julia."

Charles eyes widened again. "Julia?"  
"Yes, indeed. "I'm sure you must be aware that her future husband will be Catholic. This, you are not, am I correct?"

Charles closed his mouth with a snap and then he opened it again. "I am not, but neither am I at all interested in wedding your daughter, Lady Marchmain. Not at all."

She smiled then, her eyes holding something akin to relief. "Then we understand each other Charles and I am glad we were able to have this little talk."

"But Sebastian-" started Charles. Lady Marchmain smiled sadly again. "There is no other course for Sebastian, I'm afraid. I know you must see this is for his own good. Goodnight."

He had been dismissed and could see there was nothing more to be said so he slowly rose from his chair bowed his head to the lady and went to find his lover, his heart heavy with worry.

***

"Where did you go?" Asked Sebastian, looking up as Charles entered his room. "You were right behind me."

Charles blushed. "I..." He cleared his throat. "Your mother wanted a word."

Immediately Sebastian's countenance darkened. "She gave you one of her little talks? Don't tell me, Uncle Ned?"

Charles bit his lip. "She's worried about you."  
"And what did YOU say?" Sebastian's face had gone blank and Charles hated it. "I told her hardly anything. Nothing she didn't already know." He swallowed. "Don't you believe me?"

Sebastian stared at him and then seemed to deflate. "I do, I just know what she's like." His hand shook slightly as he poured some champagne into a glass. "She wants to get you on her side."

"Do there really have to be sides?" Asked charles gently, watching Sebastian drink the alcohol and pour himself some more.   
"I think so. Want some?" Charles took another glass and filled it. "I told her I had no interest in Julia, that seemed to calm her down somewhat."

Sebastian snorted. "I should think it did. Darling Julia is meant for higher things." He rolled his eyes. "Thank God she didn't guess WHY you have no interest in Julia."

Charles sighed. "Sebastian...... I think your mother is going to try and withhold your alcohol. I told her it was a bad idea but she'd already made up her mind. I'm sorry, I couldn't do anything else."

Sebastian's face looked thunderous. "I'm not a bloody drunk!"  
"I know." Charles tried to sooth him. "I told her when we drink together it's fine but she wouldn't listen."

"God!" Sebastian put his face in his hands. "I need to get away." He looked haunted and Charles shivered even as he wrapped his arms round him. "Maybe London again?"  
"If that's what you want. I'll speak to your mother for you if you like."

Sebastian nodded. "Thank you. We can leave after breakfast tomorrow." He already looked less stressed at just the thought of leaving Brideshead again and Charles curled round him as if he alone could shelter Sebastian from his mother and the world. "It will be alright, trust me" he whispered and Sebastian smiled and answered "I do."

***

"I'm afraid it's out of the question, Charles, he must stay here, surely you can see that?"

Charles stared at Sebastian's mother. "You can't cage him, Lady Marchmaine, it will kill his spirit. You have my word I will not leave him alone."

"We are talking about London." The lady's voice was soft and reasonable. "Sebastian could get into any kind of trouble there, I know you mean well but it's simply the case that he can't be trusted. Until it's time to go back to Oxford, he must stay here. Of course you are welcome too."  
"But-"

"I'm sorry." She smiled. "It is the only way to help him. Next year I have made arrangements that he will board with a wonderful man, a priest. He will set Sebastian on the straight and narrow again. You will see that everything will turn out fine in the end."

Charles stared at her. "Lady Marchmain, you're making a terrible mistake. Sebastian will run if you cage him!"

Just like his father, he did not add but both heard the unspoken rebuke. She looked sadly at him, a sad smile as if he was just a poor stupid boy who simply didn't understand these matters. "I think that will be all, Charles. Oh, I have a present for you." She stood up and went to her desk where a book was lying as if it had been waiting for that very moment. "It is my book, about my brothers. I should like you to have a copy. I think you will understand then."

Charles took it with a troubled heart and left the room. Slowly he made his way to where Sebastian was waiting for him, trying to think of a way to break the news without breaking Sebastian's sanity. He opened the door and placed the book on the chest of drawers with a soft sigh.  
"I'm sorry Sebastian, she won't approve us leaving."

He sat next to his lover, well, rather slumped. "I can't get through to her at all. she even talks of you living with a priest next year."

Sebastian looked like he wanted to break something. "I know about the priest."  
"You do? But I thought we were going to board together."  
"We are." ground the other boy. "I refuse to do what she says. I refuse to!" He looked up with savage eyes and saw the book. "Ha, she gave you a copy then."

Charles looked defeated. "Yes. she says if I read it I'll understand."  
"Ha!" said Sebastian again, glaring at the floor. "Well if we're forced to stay here, we might as well go to breakfast." He looked fierce and unstable, almost ready to explode but Charles didn't know what to say to calm him down. He nodded, wondering how the beautiful Brideshead had finally come to symbolize nothing less than a prison.

***

Sebastian and Charles made their way to breakfast silently, both with frowns on their faces and Sebastian sat silently frowning all the way through the meal.

"What are you and Charles going to do today Sebastian?" Asked his mother finally, when the silence became rather too oppressive. Sebastian simply shrugged and stared at his plate leaving Charles to clear his throat. "I thought I'd do some more painting in the garden room if that's alright."  
"Of course" smiled Lady Marchmain. "What you've done so far is very pretty.

Charles tried not to look too awkward at accepting the praise when his lover was so depressed. "Thank you."

As usual, Lady Marchmaine made her way to the chapel following breakfast. What was not so usual was Julia holding her brother back to speak to him. "Sebastian, for God's sake, will you snap out of it?"

Blue eyes almost exactly like her own flew to her face. Charles had left to collect his brushes already and Julia was determined to say her piece. "All you have to do is stop drinking, is it really so hard? And you have everything you could want, why mess it up for this stupid infatuation with Charles? You know it will kill Mummy if she finds out."

Sebastian's mouth tightened. "Are YOU in love with him?"  
"Of course not."  
"Then mind your own business."

"Sebastian!"  
"He loves me." Hissed the boy. "The first person who truly does for no reason. Do you think I'm going to give that up?"

"Alright." Julia folded her arms. "Then tell me why you have to keep drowning yourself in drink to cope with the guilt! You know it's wrong, you know it!"

""And what do you think Mummy would say if she knew you'd kissed him?" asked Sebastian scornfully. "Do you think she'd be any happier?"

Julia blushed and Sebastian continued. "She warned Charles away from you, did you know THAT?"

Julia stared at him with wide eyes and Sebastian pushed his chair under the table and left her, banging the door behind him.

***

"Wine?"

Charles looked up from his painting to find his lover pouring out two glasses and looking rather unsteady. "Wine, Charles?"

Charles bit his lip. "Have you already had some?"   
"Maybe a little." Sebastian smiled without humour. "Join me in a toast to interfering sisters."  
"Julia?"  
"The very same."

Charles took the glasses from him and set them on the table, pulling Sebastian into a seat next to him. "What did she do?"  
"Warned me to put a stop to my, ah yes, my 'stupid infatuation.'" He snorted. "And said something about guilt."

Charles watched him and tried to think of something to say. "Ignore her" he finally settled on.   
"I wish I could," Sebastian picked up his glass and drained it. "God, you don't know how much I wish I could."

Charles warily watched his lover finish the first bottle of wine and then get to his feet. He had been silent for some time. "Kiss me," said Sebastian unsteadily.

"Here?"  
"Why not here?"  
"Anyone could see us."

Sebastian glided closer, his breath sweet against Charles' skin. "Kiss me" he said again so Charles did, softly, his lips moulding to those perfect ones beneath him, then he pulled away. Sebastian's eyes were closed, his cheeks flushed from either Charles or the wine or both. He looked like an angel. "More."

"Sebastian," warned Charles, frowning slightly. "We can't. God, your MOTHER could come by at any moment."

"I don't care." His eyes opened and Charles swallowed at the expression in them. "Don't you want to?"

"You know I..." Charles was trying very hard to keep his head. "You're drunk Sebastian."

The other boy poured out more wine and held it up to his lover. "I rather think I am. Cheers." He knocked it back. "Don't you want to fuck me, Charles?"

Charles gasped and reddened. They had never called it that. "You don't know what you're saying" he managed faintly but Sebastian was simply smiling like sin impersonated and then his fingers began to pull at his clothes. "You can have me right here."

"God, no!" Charles started trying to fasten him back up again. "What has got into you? Are you mad?"

Sebastian kissed him sloppily, his hand going straight for Charles' crotch and his other managing to battle with Charles' half hearted attempts to redress him until his shirt hung open, pale skin and flushed nipples on display. Sebastian pulled away and stared at him. "You sure you don't want to?" He shrugged off the shirt and Charles swallowed. "Sebastian..."

The rest of the boy's clothes followed until he stood naked before his lover. "Last chance."

Charles seemed frozen so Sebastian wrapped his hand around his erection and closed his eyes, his lips parting in bliss and little moans breaking from them. "Charles" he gasped as his hand sped up over the flushed organ and that was it, the other boy could take no more, he grabbed Sebastian, tore off his own clothes and coated his cock in linseed oil. "Spread your legs" he panted against his lover's ear and Sebastian did, eagerly. "Charles"  
"Sebastian" groaned Charles, thrusting into him. "I love you, God I love you!"

Sebastian groaned too, his pale thighs shaking. "Save me" he gasped. "I think I'm dying! Charles!" And he came, drowning in pleasure, Charles right behind him.

They lay there on the floor, naked and seed spattered, trying to catch their breath until all the urgency was gone as if it had never been. Charles reached out and touched Sebastian's cheek tenderly, stroked his hair which was mussed and wet with sweat. He was the most beautiful sight Charles had ever seen.

Sebastian curled into his lover, hid his face in his chest, breathed quietly. "I wish I could die like that." He said finally. "I think I'd be happy in hell if I could die like that."

Charles held him more tightly. "Hell wasn't meant for any as beautiful as you."

"Lucifer was God's brightest angel" said Sebastian, quietly and then he was silent again and Charles, who couldn't think of an answer, was silent too.

***

A while later they had both dressed and Charles had been painting for quite some time without realising Sebastian had disappeared. He frowned and looked outside but his lover was no where to be seen.

Quickly cleaning his brushes, Charles began to search for him. Maybe he'd gone to bed, he'd drunk so much wine, Charles should have been paying more attention. He shook his head at himself and began to make his way into the house when he saw Julia sitting by the fountain looking troubled.   
"Have you seen Sebastian?" He asked curtly. Her head shot up and she stared at him and then she blushed and looked down at her lap. "He's in the church."

Charles gaped at her and then his eyes swung to the building and back to her. "He has been most of the afternoon." She continued quietly.

Charles turned away.   
"Wait"

He waited. "What?"  
"I.... I saw you."

Charles frowned. "Saw me?" And then it dawned on him. "Saw us."

She nodded, her eyes wide. "I saw you both."

Charles bit his lip. "Well now you know what love looks like."  
"I know."

He raised his eyebrows a that. "I thought you said it couldn't be about love?"  
"I did, but then I SAW you."

Charles turned away again.   
"You're going to kill him." She said it very softly and he shot back round, his eyes flashing. "You know nothing about us."

"I know he's in church, I know why he's there, I know he loves you and is drunk and going insane!"

Charles didn't look back, he just strode to the building, took a breath and stepped inside. "Sebastian?"

Sebastian didn't look up. he was curled up against the altar sobbing and clutching an empty wine bottle. Charles felt his heart wither inside his chest from dismay. "Sebastian..."

Reddened eyes stared up at him and suddenly Charles knew this was it, enough was enough. He slowly walked over to him, kissed his forehead and drew the other boy to him. Then he hugged him, wrapping his arms tightly round his body.

"I'm sorry..."  
"I know, it doesn't matter." Charles pressed more kisses to his lover's head. "But we can't go on like this."

"What do you mean?" Teary blue eyes broke Charles' heart.   
"I mean us."

Sebastian stared at him. "You want to leave?"  
"No."  
"Then....."

"Sebastian" Charles' voice cracked. "That was the last time. It has to have been the last time, you must see that?"

"But I..." His eyes were wide. "I LOVE you." There, he'd said it for the first time and Charles had to close his eyes. "I know."  
"Then how-"  
"Because it's breaking you apart. I don't know why, I don't understand it, but I can't deny it." He took the empty bottle from Sebastian's loosened hand. "See?"  
"But I can't survive without you."

Charles smiled sadly. "Yes you can and you will. We'll be friends and everything will be alright." His voice was shaking. "I'm not going away, I'll stay here and I'll be in Oxford with you, it will be almost the same as before. You can stop drinking and feeling guilty and-"

Sebastian had taken off before he could finish his sentence leaving Charles to close his mouth with a snap and sink to the floor, his face in his hands.

***

The rest of the day seemed to go very slowly and Sebastian refused to come out of his room. Finally Charles left his friend's door and went for dinner, his heart heavy with grief, though he could eat little.

"Where's Sebastian?" Asked Lady Marchmain following the meal. Charles didn't even look up and then he appeared round the door, just like that, unsteady on his feet, hair messy and cheeks flushed from alcohol.

"Sebastian!"  
"I came to 'pologize" said the boy, roughly. "To Charles."

His mother looked distressed. "Go to bed, you can talk to Charles tomorrow."

"No," Sebastian insisted, his inebriated eyes searching the room for his friend. "Need to do it now."

"Sebastian" whispered Charles, getting to his feet and making for the other boy. "It's alright."

"No." Sebastian shook his head and tears slid down his cheeks. "I was.... bloody to you. After everything and I was...." He stared into Charles' eyes. "I love you and I was.... " He swallowed. "My only friend. God hates me, you hate me...."

"Sebastian, I don't hate you. Let me take you up."

The rest of the family were just watching the boys silently and finally Charles managed to get Sebastian out of the room, his arms round him, supporting him up the stairs.   
"I'm sorry."  
"I know, it's alright."  
"It's not." He sank down on the stairs, his face crumpled up with grief. "I drove you away. I lost your love and drove you away."

"I'm not going anywhere" murmured Charles, stroking his hair gently. "And you haven't lost my love but giving into it was making you so unhappy. Let me help you to bed, we can talk in the morning."

Slowly Sebastian let Charles help him to stand. "I love you. I never said it but it was still true."  
"I know" murmured Charles, sliding his hand round the slim waist. "It's alright."  
"I didn't say it because I-"  
"I know, don't worry about it, I always knew."

They came to Sebastian's room. "Will you stay?"  
"You know I can't"   
"Please?"  
"It would make things worse tomorrow." Charles handed over Aloysius and Sebastian's hand trembled as he took him. "I've ruined everything."  
"It's not your fault, you tried." Charles bent to kiss his head softly. "God knows how much you tried."

Sebastian slid into his bed clutching aAoysius desperately. "I'm sorry."  
"I know. Try and sleep Sebastian."  
"tell me you love me."

charles watched him with sad eyes. "I love you. Always."

Finally he made it back downstairs. The rest of the family were very subdued and Charles sat down heavily on one of the comfortable chairs. "He's asleep," he volunteered and took a sip of brandy.

"He was very drunk." remarked Bridey. "I've never seen him like that, never."  
"He was terribly unhappy." Lady Marchmain watched Charles carefully. "Terribly unhappy."

"It's my fault, we had a bit of an argument" said Charles tiredly. "It's fixed now."

Julia didn't say anything, just watched him with large blue eyes that were so like Sebastian's he had to turn away.

***

The next day, Sebastian didn't appear at breakfast and Charles sat through it silent and still. Lady Marchmain sighed sadly. "We must limit the alcohol available today, we can't have another repeat of last night. Charles, I expect your cooperation on this of course, no one is to give Sebastian any spirits other than those at meals and the wine will be locked away."

Charles didn't answer, merely excused himself from the table. Julia followed him. "Charles, is...." She hardly knew how to ask.

He turned away. "Is it over? Yes." She nodded. "It is for the best. I know it is and so do you."

He didn't answer, just left the room and climbed the stairs woodenly, knocking on the door before entering. "Sebastian?"

Teary blue eyes stared back at him, reddened from hours of crying. "Charles, I couldn't.... I couldn't face breakfast."  
"It's alright, I brought you some bread and butter." He passed the plate to his friend and sat down with a sigh. "How-" He stopped the sentence before it could get any further, seeing it was a stupid question.

"I missed you."  
"I missed you too" murmured Charles, wondering how they were to even pretend everything was alright, how they could just go back to being friends. He watched Sebastian eat. "Do you want to talk?"

A shake of the dark head and Charles nodded feeling very awkward. "I could read to you" he finally volunteered, being unable to think of anything else and growing desperate at the silence surrounding them. "If you like."

Sebastian looked at him then, a sad, searching look. "Alright, what will you read?"  
"What do you want to hear?"  
"Something happy." That brought a wistful smile to Charles' face.

"Something where love.... conquers all." Sebastian's voice wavered and Charles swallowed.

"Look at that, I still have tears left to cry" whispered Sebastian. "I thought they'd all dried up."

Charles put his arms round him and held him close. "I'm here."  
"I know." They stared into each other's eyes and then Charles looked away. "What shall I read?"

Sebastian's mouth tightened. "The verses about Sodom and Gomorrah and how it is better to offer your daughters to be raped than accept relations between men. Maybe I will suddenly be blessed with understanding of why it's so sinfully wrong."

Charles closed his eyes. "I'm doing this for you. You know I am. don't punish me even more." His voice was unsteady and Sebastian blushed with sudden shame. "I know, I'm sorry Charles, it's not.... even your religion." He sighed sadly. "Read one of those." He pointed at the book case in the corner of the room and slowly Charles made his way over to it. They were children's stories mostly. Fairy tales, the deeds of King Arthur and volumes of poetry. He picked one up. "Tennyson? Keats?"

"Either." murmured Sebastian. "Just don't let it end in death and destruction, that's too much like real life."

***

Sebastian and Charles appeared together for the evening meal, Sebastian looking quite composed, but when the wine came round the table he shook his head. "I'll have whiskey."

Lady Marchmain nodded at the server who fetched the spirit and poured out a serving. "You can leave the decanter" said sebastian. "I might want some more later on."

Another nod from his mother and Charles found himself staring at his plate while Sebastian drank his whiskey and with his eyes on her face, poured some more, a larger measure this time.   
"Sebastian."  
"Yes Mummy?"

"She took a breath. "Don't you think you've had enough?"

He looked like he was considering the question seriously. "No" he finally answered, gravely and poured some more.

"That's enough Sebastian" muttered Bridey from his place a little further down the table. Sebastian pushed his chair back and stood heavily, drank the rest of the whiskey and left the table and the room.

"I think I must go to the church" murmured Lady Marchmain. "Brideshead, Julia, you will accompany me" and Charles was left alone, staring at the empty decanter and feeling like his insides were made of lead.

Slowly he made his way up to his friend's room but Sebastian wasn't there. That left only one other place. He opened the door to his own room and looked at his friend who was sprawled out on his bed.   
"God Sebastian." He shook his head and sat next to him. Sebastian sat up. "Did you bring alcohol?"

Charles looked away from the almost hopeful face. "You know very well I can't. I thought.... I thought it would stop now."  
"What you mean now we're not fucking?"

Charles cringed. "Don't call it..." He took a breath. "I thought you'd feel better."  
"I do."  
"Do you?"  
"When I can't think I almost feel on top of the world."

"But you're not at peace?"

Sebastian snorted. "Sorry Charles, it doesn't work like that."  
"But we're not-"  
"I think about it." Interrupted Sebastian. "I think about YOU. I remember how it felt." His mouth twisted. "Only now I can't EXPERIENCE how it felt. Go get us some whiskey, Charles, they'll let YOU have it."

"I can't."  
"You mean you won't."  
"I suppose so."   
"Then I'll get it myself." He slid from the bed and giggled. "Whoops"

"They won't let you."  
"The servants? MY servants?"  
"They've been warned against it."

Sebastian clenched his hands. "Are you on her side now?"

"No" whispered Charles. "You know I'm not.   
"Then why won't you get the alcohol?"  
"Because it's hurting you."  
"Not having it is hurting me."

Charles bowed his head.   
"If you loved me" began Sebastian and then he turned away with tears in his eyes. "Why did you turn against me? You were my friend, you were my lover and now you spy on me for her. I knew I shouldn't have brought you here. I wish I never had. I wish we were still in Oxford. I gave you all I had to give, all my love, all my heart and soul, I gave you my body, what more could I do? I will never trust another person as long as I live, never!"

It was heart rending to listen to. Charles couldn't look at him. "Do you want me to leave?"

"YES!" cried Sebastian and then he threw himself onto the bed and cried, huge great wracking sobs.

Charles put his arms round him and though at first Sebastian fought him off, finally he gave in.   
"You're drunk" said Charles softly, stroking the wet hair from Sebastian's forehead. "You know it's not like that, you know it. I would do anything I could for you if it would help, anything."

A sad sniffle. "I'm sorry Charles."  
"I know." He helped Sebastian undress and pulled the covers over them both, holding Sebastian close and trying not to think until he finally fell asleep.

***

Charles awoke with Sebastian's slim body in his arms and he didn't move until blue eyes fluttered open, then they stared at each other.

"Do you still want me to go?"  
"No."  
"Then I'll stay."

They held each other in a tight embrace, Charles stroking Sebastian's cheek gently. "I will always take your side. Me and you contra mundum, remember? And I still love you even if we can only be friends. I will never take your mother's part, or Julia's, if it's against you."  
"You're too good to me Charles. I don't deserve it." Sebastian tucked his face into Charles' neck and sighed softly. "I was an ass last night. I must have hurt you with what I said."

Blue eyes stared sincerely into Charles' brown. "I just know inside me that if I can't get away from this place I'm going to go insane, I mean really lose it. It scares me. Sometimes I dream of us running away together, I don't mean to Oxford, I mean so far away no one will ever find us."

Charles kissed his cheek. "That would be wonderful" he whispered and Sebastian smiled sadly, "But not like this. Not when I'm like this, hurting you with every other word. I'd get better and then get you to join me and we'd be happy for ever. If only it could be. the fruit always ripe, always alone and Aloysius always in a good temper."

Charles smiled at him. "heaven".

"Charles" there were tears in the lovely blue eyes. "Where did it all go so wrong? I thought we had the world, you and I. Oxford was like a dream."

Charles held him tightly. He didn't know how to answer and Sebastian buried his face in Charles' neck again.  
"I suppose we must get up?"  
"Yes" murmured Charles against his skin. "I think we must."

At breakfast the two boys were almost silent, drinking their tea and hardly looking up from their plates. Finally Lady Marchmain cleared her throat. "Sebastian, I have made arrangements for you to go to Germany to see an expert doctor. I've heard wonderful things about him and his patients and I feel sure he will solve our problem for us. God tells me this is right. He has shown me a sign."

Sebastian stared at her. "But Oxford..."  
"Oxford was doing you no good. This man can cure you and then you will be happy again, isn't that what you want?"

"What I want is to be left alone" said Sebastian softly. He stood up. "What if I refuse?"  
"You can't. Bridey is to take you in two days. It is for your own good Sebastian, I know you must see that."

There was silence. "Today is the hunt" she added, more brightly. Maybe you would like to go?"

Sebastian was just about to say no when he changed his mind. "Yes" he said instead, much to Charles' surprise. "I will go and get ready." He said nothing more about the trip to Germany and slowly Charles followed his friend to his room. He didn't know what to say when he got there. Sebastian was raging. "How dare they ship me off like some sort of nut case! I won't go. I'll run away! I won't bloody go!"

Charles sat on the bed and regarded his friend worriedly. "Why did you want to hunt? I thought you hated it?"  
"I'm not going hunting. At the first opportunity I'll slip Bridey and spend the whole day quietly soaking in a pub. I can't take this Charles, I can't!" He looked at his friend desperately. "Will you tell?"  
"You know I won't."

Sebastian heaved a soft sigh of relief and seemed to calm a little. "Will you lend me some money? They've stopped my allowance." He looked utterly wretched and Charles handed over two pounds, his face pained. "I could come with you if you like. To the pub I mean, if you tell me where it is."

Sebastian put his arms round him and pulled him close. They stood there for a few moments, just holding each other, feeling each others beating heart and then Charles pulled away slowly, Sebastian told him where to find the pub and they parted sadly.

Charles gave Sebastian an hour to shake off his brother and then set off across the fields in search of his love and sure enough he found him in the bar, smiling like they hadn't in what felt like decades. "Here's to us" murmured Sebastian, knocking back another drink. "Contra mundum Charles, Contra mundum."

***

They were both drunk and both rather in disgrace when they finally arrived back at Brideshead and the next day Lady Marchmain requested an audience with Charles.

"You went drinking with Sebastian yesterday, you gave him money to buy alcohol even though you knew his funds had been stopped for just this reason."  
"Yes" said Charles, emotionlessly.   
"I can't understand it."

Charles simply looked at her.   
"we all liked you so much, did you hate us all this time?" Still Charles said nothing.   
"I think I must ask you to leave. I'm sorry for it but I don't see any other option and Sebastian will be going to Germany anyway. It saddens me that it has come to this."

Charles simply took his leave of her and went to pack, then he knocked on Sebastian's door.  
"Come in."

"Sebastian..." Charles sighed softly and put his case down. "I have to go. Your mother has requested it and I can't say I'm surprised. How are you feeling?"

Sebastian looked at him from the bed. "Wretched."   
"How will you get away from Bridey?"  
"I don't know."   
"I wish I could do something."  
"I won't go to Germany."  
"But where will you go?"

Sebastian sat up restlessly. "Somewhere hot where the fruit is always ripe. Will you come? Live our dream?"

"if you send me word, you know I'll come" whispered Charles, tears in his eyes. "Any where, any time."

Sebastian bit his lip. "I think we must be apart for now Charles. I think you need to find your way, finish at Oxford, do all the things I can't and I'll find us somewhere and set it all up and one day we'll have our heaven."

"Sebastian..." Charles wiped at his eyes.

"Come here." He went, climbing into Sebastian's bed and holding him tightly. "I can't believe it's come to this."

"One kiss to remember you by?" Asked sebastian, his voice shaking. "Just one?"

Charles kissed him, passionately, lovingly and they melted into each other, hands in each other's hair, tears on their cheeks.   
"Don't forget me."  
"Of course not" murmured Charles. "Oxford will be hell without you."

Sebastian smiled sadly. "Look after yourself, Charles."  
"You too."   
"I love you."  
"I love you too." Charles left the bed and picked up his case.   
"Come and find me?"  
"I promise."

He left Sebastian in his bed and minutes later he left Brideshead, wondering if he was leaving it forever or if he would one day return, Sebastian once again at his side. He took one last look as the car drove away and sure enough Sebastian's dark head was framed against his window. Charles put up his hand and watched Sebastian do the same and then the car drove out of view of Brideshead Castle and he turned in his seat to face forward.

As he sat on the train, Charles read Lady Marchmain's book and a peace settled over him as he realised he had made the right choices in the end. she had wanted Sebastian to be a sort of second Ned, there was no way for him to have met her expectations, for her brothers had come to represent something almost godly and after all Sebastian was only a boy. Yes, despite everything they had gone through, he had made the right decision to stand with Sebastian against the world.

***

Charles couldn't bear the thought of Oxford without Sebastian so he went to France and studied painting, being pretty sure a degree in history would get him no where fast. The first he heard about Sebastian was when Julia wrote to him to say he had given Bridey the slip and boarded a ship to Africa.

Charles heaved a sigh of relief and went to his class, feeling as he did so that he was simply in a period of waiting. He found he didn't care much for what he was learning but he knew he had to make a living and this was what he'd chosen. He ached for Sebastian, he felt empty inside and he knew he was growing cold and aloof but he had heard nothing from him. Julia wrote to him sometimes and he found himself clutching at her as his last link to his lost friend. Had sebastian forgotten him? Why had he had no word? He lived his life in dreams, memories of Brideshead, memories of Sebastian as both his lover and his friend, his dark head resting against Charles' own in Venice, the way they had touched and kissed and made love, Aloysius, strawberries and champagne before everything went so wrong. Why did he not write?

Charles sighed sadly as he opened Julia's latest letter and began to read the contents and then he jumped to his feet and began to throw things into his case. She had an address for Sebastian and she asked that Charles bring him home to his mother who wanted to see him. Lady Marchmain was dying.

Charles began to make plans as he rushed around his room. He would paint Africa, that way he could fund the trip. Ryder's Africa. And he would go and see Sebastian and.....

But what if he didn't want to see Charles? Charles sank into his chair with his face in his hands. Why had Sebastian never written to him? "Don't you love me anymore?" asked Charles out loud, suddenly thinking about Cara's ominous words about first love making way for another, but then his thoughts reproached him and he saw Sebastian as he had looked when they had parted for the last time, tears in the blue eyes, real love in his kiss.  
"I won't believe it."

Charles got up and finished packing. "I won't believe it" he said again and picked up his suitcase.

***

Charles walked up the little path to the house he had been directed to, his heart in his mouth and he knocked, his hands shaking. What was he going to find?

What he found confounded him because it was not Sebastian but another man living in Sebastian's house. He said he was Sebastian's friend, that Sebastian was in a hospital, that he was German and his name was Kurt and that he had shot his foot to avoid military service.

As if in a dream, Charles made his way to the hospital. Nothing felt real. And then he was taken to Sebastian and he didn't know whether to laugh or cry because his friend, his LOVER looked terrible and Charles desperately wanted to run away. Instead he sat down. "Hello Sebastian."

Sebastian opened his eyes slowly and then he blinked. "Charles, I thought they meant Kurt, I..." he looked confused. "How...?"  
"How can I be here?"

A nod that looked painful and charles tried not to look away. "Julia sent me your address." He knew his words were cold but he was so.... what had happened to them? "You didn't write."

Sebastian licked his lips. "I know."  
"Why?"  
"I was ill."  
"For all this time?"

"No, I..." Sebastian looked away. "I didn't want you to see me."

Charles stared at the other man and tried to think of something to say. "I met Kurt" he finally settled on.   
"I guess you hate him."

Charles cleared his throat. "His presence is rather a mystery."

Blue eyes flicked up to brown and then away. "He keeps me going."  
"I see."

"You're angry." It was a statement and Charles didn't see why he should deny it but he tried to hide the hurt when he asked Sebastian if Kurt was his lover.

Sebastian's face took on a look of utter amazement and then acute sadness. "How can you ask me that?" He finally whispered. "Of all people, Charles, you should know the answer."  
"Well what am I supposed to think? I WAITED for you like we promised each other and not one word to say you were alright? That I could come to you? And then I finally get here and find you've replaced me!"  
"It's not like that."  
"Well what the hell is it like then?"

There were tears in Sebastian's eyes. "He was just someone I could help. I told you once I needed someone to look after and I found Kurt."  
"But you were supposed to be waiting for me!" Shot Charles.

Sebastian bit his lip. "I wanted you to remember me as I was. I also once told you beauty was nothing, remember? You told me it was everything to you, what was I supposed to expect you would think of me now? Ever the artist, Charles. can you blame me for not wanting you to see me? I haven't stopped drinking, I'd be no good for you, it was better to let you forget."  
"I never forgot."  
"Well move on then."  
"I never moved on."  
"But now you've seen what I've become, you can."

Charles looked at the floor. "So you release me from our promises, is that it?"  
"Something like that."   
"Damn you Sebastian."

Charles stood up, tears in his eyes. "I loved you! Don't you know what that means? I loved you!" And then he left, made arrangements to stay in a nearby hotel and spent the evening determined not to think at all.

***

The next day Charles visited Sebastian again. This time he was calmer. "I came to take you home. Julia sent me. Your mother is very ill."

Sebastian was looking at the bedclothes rather than at Charles. "I can't travel right now."  
"No."  
"Please don't hate me." It was little more than a whisper. "I have some pride you know, some little bit left inside me and I didn't want you to see this shell of a man I've become."

Charles felt the walls around his heart began to crack ever so slightly.   
"You are still the same, just a little older, but still the same Charles. You're still the boy I fell in love with. What do you see when you look at me? Illness, something wasting away, something ugly and tormented. How could I have offered you that? You fell in love with a boy who doesn't exist anymore, I didn't think you'd want me as I am now. Would you have?"

Charles watched his friend's sad blue eyes that still wouldn't meet his. "I could have helped you."  
"My pride wouldn't let me ask."  
"And now?"  
"Now I have Kurt."

"Oh for God's sake!" Exploded Charles. "You don't mean to live your life with Kurt, do you? He's using you, all he wants is your money!"  
"I know."

That quietened him. "You know?"  
"Of course I know." Sebastian smiled slightly. "But I'm using him too. He gives me purpose. I don't think you can understand."  
"I don't think I can."

"I'm sorry I've disappointed you."

Another wall cracked.

"I just can't leave him. He needs me."  
"I need you."  
"Not in the same way."  
"No." Charles bit his lip. "Sebastian...... I still love you."

The blue eyes brightened a little. "Really?"  
"Yes." He was completely sincere. "It's the one thing I'm sure of, the one thing I know I can rely on. I still love you. I would still do anything you asked. It wasn't just a boyhood crush, it won't fade over time." He sighed and looked away. "I just wanted you to know that. I wish you'd had more faith in me. Now we're in a mess and I don't know what I can say. I'd take you away with me at the drop of a hat but you're determined to look after this vagabond and I know I can't change your mind."

Sebastian looked sadly at him. "I'm sorry."   
"I know. So you'll stay here?"  
"I think so."  
"This isn't how I thought it would be," whispered Charles. "Do you remember Oxford Sebastian? Do you remember the elm trees and the way we made love? The strawberries? Kissing me? Aloysius? Do you remember the..... way the sun shone and how it felt like it was always summer? Do you remember?" Tears suddenly streamed down his face and Sebastian's mouth trembled. "I remember." They held each other. "I'm so sorry."

Charles pulled away. "What am I going to do without you?"

Sebastian leaned forward and kissed him. "What you've always done. What you've been doing since we parted. Living. Live for both of us. Live our dream."

***

"Live our dream." The last thing Sebastian had said to him. Charles returned to Brideshead to say goodbye to Lady Marchmain in Sebastian's place, his heart heavy with grief for his lost friend and the life they had been cheated out of but when he arrived, suddenly all he could see was Julia. Julia, so like Sebastian had been, her hair, her eyes, her beautiful face. He let himself see her as Sebastian. If he couldn't have the brother, why not the sister instead? Sebastian had looked ill and faded but Julia glowed, he had never cared about it before but now.....

And so began the next part of his life, his affair with Sebastian's sister.

Sometimes he thought he loved her. When the moonlight fell on her hair just so and it stirred a memory inside him, or when she smiled and it was Sebastian's smile and when he kissed her she tasted like strawberries and champagne.

Her eyes would glint with mischief like his used to and Charles wasn't even aware that he was still seeing Sebastian in everything she did.

When they made love, her hair was as soft as Sebastian's had been, her skin flushed just the same. "Charles", she gasped, in his voice and she shuddered just like he had.

He closed his eyes against her breasts and her softness and his kisses were hard and filled with passion. He thought they were happy together and when he thought of Sebastian it was with a kind of wistful love, a sadness that they could never be. He thought he had moved on. "Live for both of us, live our dream" Sebastian had told him and Charles believed he was.

He asked Julia to marry him and she accepted. They were in love. Maybe they had always been moving towards it, from the first time they had met when Sebastian had broken his foot and Julia had picked him up from the station. Julia never mentioned her brother.

And then one day, just like that, she did.   
"It's frightening how you've forgotten Sebastian."

They had been lying together in bed, he'd been kissing her and now he was holding her, smoking a cigarette and enjoying the warmth of her body when she made the remark. Charles felt like something inside him was banging on his chest to get out. "Forgotten him?"

Julia nodded. "You loved him so much. I remember seeing you together in the garden room and being shocked at the way you touched each other and even though it was my brother I couldn't help but watch you. I wondered if anyone would ever love me like that, but now you've forgotten him. It makes me wonder if you'll forget me."

Charles wondered if he'd frozen. He couldn't seem to move his mouth and his brain seemed to have gone to sleep. "You think I've forgotten him?"

Suddenly a million and one memories swarmed Charles of the two of them, Sebastian and he, together and he couldn't breath.

"Have I forgotten him?" He asked himself slowly. "Have I?"

Julia was watching him with a frown. "Charles?" He turned to her and almost gasped as he found Sebastian's blue eyes staring at him from Sebastian's face. "Oh God!"

"Charles!" They even sounded the same. "Charles, what is it?"

Charles was horrified. How could he explain to the woman lying next to him that he'd suddenly realised all he'd ever seen in her was her brother? He licked his lips. "I've never forgotten him. He's always been part of me."

Julia mulled that over. "But then how could you love me? How could you move on like that?"

"I don't.... think I did," replied Charles, softly. "I don't think I ever have or ever could.... move on."

Julia stared at him. Charles stared back.   
"What are you saying?"  
"That I didn't...... Oh God, I didn't know, I swear it."

Her eyes widened. "You still love him?"  
"I knew I still loved him, I just thought...." He couldn't explain. "I thought it was a far away love, a nostalgic love."  
"But?"

Charles stared at the bed.   
"But you said that German, Kurt..."  
"I know."

Julia frowned. "I still don't...." And then her eyes widened even more. "Oh my God! You've been loving Sebastian through ME?"

Charles cringed and Julia slapped him, hard.   
"You bastard!"  
"I didn't know," he whispered. "I thought I was in love with you. I promise you I did."  
"Get away from me!"

Charles looked up with tears in his eyes. "Julia-"  
"Don't! My God! All this time?"  
"I'm sorry."  
"Don't speak to me, Charles. In fact get out. Get out of brideshead!" She burst into tears and he slipped from the bed and dressed, not daring to try and comfort her.   
"I'm so sorry" He finally volunteered.   
"I said get out!"

He left.

***

Charles wandered. What was he supposed to do now? He was still deeply in love with Sebastian but he could no more have him than he could have Julia now she knew his real feelings. Sebastian was with Kurt and although it wasn't love but duty that kept him bound to the German, Charles knew he couldn't make his friend choose between them.

As it turned out fate intervened and he was sent to war for seven years during which time at least he didn't have to make his mind up what to do with himself but when one of the bases turned out to be Brideshead, Charles seriously wondered if God was punishing him for his past sins.

Over the years he had come to believe in God. Sebastian's God, the God of the Catholic faith, sometimes he thought that was the only thing keeping him going at all. He felt loveless, his heart bound to Sebastian who was as unobtainable as ever and through those disenchanting war years he wondered constantly about his friend and if he was still living in the sweet little house in that sunny country where he'd left him or if something had happened that he couldn't foresee. Surely Sebastian hadn't had to fight, he had been as weak as a kitten, but then there was Kurt the German, what had happened to him?

Charles' life was empty and bleak. He did what was expected of him and no more and then finally the war ended and Charles received his first word from Julia since he had left her. She and Cordelia had been working for a charity overseas and Sebastian was in a monastery, she said. The letter finished with an address and an instruction. "For God's sake, go to him."

Charles stared at the paper as if it might jump up and bite him, or maybe kiss him, he wasn't sure. Julia had made no mention of Kurt but that didn't mean he wasn't there too and although he packed quickly, he allowed himself no hope that they could finally have their happy ever after.

Charles was as tense as a violin bow through the whole trip to the monastery so that once he arrived he could barely ask for Sebastian by name but once he'd made himself understood they beamed at him and nodded and led him to the English lord's dwelling.

Charles stepped through the door and then just stood there, staring. Sebastian was sitting on a chair, his eyes closed but a look of such peace on his face that a sob broke from Charles and he ran forward, sinking to the floor and pressing his face to his friend's lap, his arms going round Sebastian's knees. "Sebastian." The walls around his heart had suddenly crumbled completely.

Soft blue eyes opened and Sebastian looked down at the man hugging him so desperately. "Charles?"

Charles nodded and looked up at him as if he somehow needed to be blessed.Tthere were tears in his eyes. "I came to you, finally I came, I wanted to come so much earlier but I couldn't."  
"The war." Sebastian looked thoughtful. "I read about it. Was it very dreadful? My poor Charles, I was so worried about you."

Charles didn't know what to say, it had been monotonous more than anything, the daily grind. "I was loveless during that time" he finally settled on. "I thought I had nothing to live for."

Sebastian drew him up and offered him a chair next to his.   
"And before the war..."  
"Julia."

Charles bowed his head. "What a fool I was. I betrayed you both."  
"I heard you were to be married."   
"I'm sorry."

"I would have wished you well" said Sebastian, quietly. "If I'd thought you would be happy."

"You knew I was seeing you in her?"  
"No." Sebastian sighed. "Maybe a selfish part of me hoped it, but I didn't know."  
"You should have known. Did she tell you?"   
"Yes."  
"I'm sorry. How I didn't see it...." He shook his head. "It was always you." He took a breath. "How's Kurt?"

"And before Julia it was Kurt" sighed Sebastian. "I know. So many obstacles Charles." He looked sad. "Kurt is dead though I did my best for him. I took him to Greece to see if his foot would heal and it did but he was discovered and sent back to Germany. I followed him there and tried to help him back out but it wasn't to be. He was caught trying to escape and hung. I didn't know what to do with myself then, I had thought to be a missionary among cannibals or lepers, but they wouldn't take me because I wasn't strong enough. I somehow ended up here. They've been very kind to me."  
"They love you, I could see that as soon as I mentioned your name."

Sebastian nodded. "I still drink sometimes. when I feel particularly useless."

Charles smiled. "And I still love you as much as I ever did."

"Dear Charles."

"And do you still love me?" Asked Charles softly as if he hardly dare give voice to the words.   
"Always."

Tears slipped down Charles' cheeks. "And can we finally be together? Can I take you away and make you strong again? Will you let me love you Sebastian? Purely, as God intended it and then will you come with me to some small corner of the world where we can make a difference, where we can do good, where I can absolve myself of my sins and live with you and be happy?"

"I will" said Sebastian, seriously as if he was saying his wedding vows, and then he smiled and his blue eyes shone with joy and Charles was transported back to that wonderful time long ago when they were boys together in the first flush of youthful love, for Sebastian looked so very little changed to him in that moment.

 

Epilogue

Charles took Sebastian to Venice. They had been happy there, Sebastian had been happy there, maybe the last time he had during their boyhood and Charles wanted to remember it all, relive it.

The days passed slowly, long beautiful mornings and afternoons, spent on the water, just drifting lazily, feeling the sun on their faces, or when it got too hot, lying together on the cool white sheets, Sebastian resting his head on Charles' chest and just breathing.

Charles began to paint again, sometimes the Venetian landscape sometimes Sebastian, but the paintings had an energy and focus they hadn't had during what he now referred to as his lost years and Sebastian was always there by his side, sometimes reading, sometimes thinking or sleeping but always with that sense of peace emanating from him that Charles had first noticed at the monastery.

Aloysius was there too, just quietly observing them. Charles had brought him from Brideshead when he had left and taken him to the monastery with him. Sebastian's smile had almost made everything they had gone through, worth it when he had seen him. "Thank you" was all he had said, but Charles had known it had meant so much more.

And so the summer slipped by and Sebastian began to grow stronger. They kissed sometimes, not like they had used to do, but soft gentle kisses as Sebastian began to recover and Charles began to see it. They both knew there would never be anyone else for either of them and Charles tended to Sebastian with a gentle adoration that never again left him.

They were happy, they were in love, they were loved by their God and nothing else mattered. They talked sometimes, about the days that had gone, about the choices they had made and the ones they hadn't. Charles told Sebastian what Cara had said about him being in love with his childhood and Sebastian looked thoughtful.   
"I don't think it was quite that. I was afraid of not being loved as a man, maybe, because I thought I could never make the right decisions as one, for Mummy, for God.... I told you it was hard being Catholic and it was at that time because I was fighting against who I was inside. Childhood had been much simpler, maybe she was right then in a way."

"I almost hated her that day." Charles watched Sebastian's hand create ripples over the water. "She said our love was temporary, that it should make way for another. I wanted to slap her."

"Dear Charles." Sebastian smiled at him.

Sometimes they talked of Julia.  
"I was always afraid she'd take you away from me."  
"I almost let her, but it was me at fault, not her. How can you love such an idiot?"

Sebastian smiled and touched his cheek softly.

Sometimes they talked of Lady Marchmain.  
"I couldn't love Mummy. She was not an affectionate person and she taught me I was to be damned, but she was good. I expect she's in heaven, watching from her cloud."

Or Kurt.  
"I was so jealous."  
"I know. I tried to explain. He wasn't a nice man, but in allowing me to look after him, he gave me something I desperately needed. I didn't want to hurt you but I could see it in your face and when you asked me if he was my lover..."  
"I didn't stop to listen to what you were saying. I don't think I ever did." Charles bowed his head and Sebastian kissed his hair.

And sometimes they talked of their future.  
"Where will we go?"  
"Where ever you want."  
"Somewhere we're needed."  
"Yes." Charles took his hand. "You're much stronger now." The dark hair had regained it's shine and the blue eyes their sparkle. Sebastian's face was rounded too and the skin more plumped up. He had lost his skeletal appearance though he was still slender and he didn't ache as he had. Charles caught himself staring at him over and over again for this was the man Sebastian should have become from the beautiful youth under the elm trees so long ago.   
"You are as you should have been. Finally."  
"Thanks to you."   
"Maybe. Maybe it was my fault you were ever any different."  
"Dear Charles. You've given up so much."  
"Actually, I don't feel like I've given up anything at all."

They made their way to Africa finally, to a tiny village miles from anywhere. Many of the people were sick and Sebastian and Charles began to tend them, setting up a shack for the purpose and a little chapel next to it. Sebastian used his allowance from his brother to buy books and medicines and Charles the money from his paintings. He continued to paint in his spare time, his beloved Sebastian, the village, the plains and he sent them back to his agent in London who sent the goods they required in exchange. The villagers loved Sebastian. They loved Charles too but there was something about Sebastian they could sense but not quite name. Maybe it was something like serenity. Whatever it was, when Charles lay on his bare, chaste little bed in the early morning and watched Sebastian's beautiful face smoothed in sleep, he knew he wouldn't be anywhere else for all the riches in the whole world.


End file.
